Against Better Judgement Chapter 3
Jun. 16th, 2005 10:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwendolyngraceDisclaimers: Everything originates with JK Rowling. Her characters; my spin.
Spoilers: PoA? Possible GoF. Maybe even OoP, although this was originally begun 2 years before it came out.
(Originally chapter 5)
Summary: Lucius visits his fiancee at Hogwarts but gives in to temptation on the side.
Pairing: LM/SS/JP
Warnings: Slash. Boy Sluts. BDSM. Threesomes may occur. Major age differences, but I will not be specific. Suffice to say that in my interpretation, Lucius is at least 10 years older than the Marauders. For modesty's sake, we can assume everyone is at least well into puberty. If you are squicked by statutory sex, imagine the boys are above the age of consent. I won't argue.
Archive: Drop me a line, but be my guest.
Severus glanced across the Great Hall at the Gryffindors' long table. He watched as James and Sirius tossed Peter's notebook back and forth. Remus ended the teasing abruptly by tackling Sirius and giving Peter time to face off against James alone. Through it all, they were laughing together, even Peter.
Sighing, Severus shoved another forkful of hash browns into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. It was all very well to tell Lucius he could pimp James for him; that he owned him. But gazing across at the laughing, contented boy, surrounded by his friends, Severus wondered if he could actually fulfil his promise. Despite his heated words and smouldering resentment for his former partner, he wanted James to participate freely. A small voice inside assured him that if James would simply relax into the plan, have fun with it, he might begin to understand Severus's own motivations. If he could puncture James's self-image and introduce him to the lucrative business of rent boy, then perhaps...perhaps James would leave off his constant moralising. They could start again with a clearer definition of their relationship. James could learn the difference between sex and...Severus hardly dared say it--love. Was James his love, then? he asked himself as he choked down his tea. No. Not a lover, but...if he could understand this...then maybe.
The bell rang, announcing the end of breakfast. Scooping up his books and hat, Severus rose and marched in step between Avery and Kyle, filing into the hallways. He walked mechanically up the stairs to the Charms classroom, ignoring the inane conversation of the female classmates around him. Lately, all the girls in the house grated against his nerves. It wasn't that he had
anything against them, as a sex. They were fine, and he even accepted that inevitably many clients seemed to fade away after discovering one young woman or another who could be persuaded to duplicate Severus's services for less tangible forms of payment. He found it distantly ironic, that often the young men in question probably paid more for it in the end than he charged. Certainly, the girls' romantic expectations were a high price by themselves. Nevertheless, there were a number of them Severus would go so far as to call friends. But recently, he noticed their transparent scheming more, and seemed to be unable to ignore it. Perhaps it was the way they all cooed over Lucius's expensive gifts for Narcissa.
Jealous? he snarled at himself, digging out parchment and quill to take notes on Flitwick's lecture. Narcissa Tangle was the perfect choice for a man like Lucius. Besides, it was clear to Snape that his attention to her was merely a front to uphold the Malfoy legacy. She may be marrying a fortune, but Lucius would never be faithful to her. And if he could continue to satisfy the warlock's other appetites....
But that brought him back to James. What possessed him to promise Lucius he'd be willing? With another self-deprecating grimace, Severus allowed himself to answer. Damned Slytherin ambition.
"Mr Snape!" Flitwick singled him out at the end of the lecture. "Kindly demonstrate to the class the principle components of Charms which affect a person's ability to cast counter-spells."
He skimmed Flitwick's scratched notes on the board and drew his wand to comply, concentrating on the lesson. If he couldn't bring himself to force James, he'd have to convince him.
****
They took Care of Magical Creatures together after lunch. It was one of Severus's least favourite classes, tied with Divination and Transfiguration. On the other hand, it did give him an opportunity to talk to James.
Contriving to be paired with James was fairly easy. As they approached Professor Kettleburn's corral filled with Aethonan winged horses, Severus pointed his wand at Peter. Muttering a quiet charm, he banished the boy's dragonhide gloves right out of his belt and across the field.
Peter yelped in surprise as the gloves were snatched away. He ran after them, vacating his spot between James and Sirius. Sirius frowned back at Severus, as if the spell didn't fool him for a second. Snape hardly cared. It broke up the fearsome foursome, at any rate. Severus simply stepped into file near James, not right next to him, but close enough to bar anyone else from getting between. Predictably, Kettleburn simply paired them off by who stood next to whom. Child's play.
"James?" Sirius asked in a low tone before he joined Remus. Severus felt certain that if James gave the word, Sirius would fend Snape off wand and fist.
"It's all right, Sirius," James said appreciatively. Severus looked away studiously, hiding his real reaction. Had James been talking to Sirius about them? Did that mean he was upset, or angry, or relieved? The thought bothered him, and it unsettled him that it bothered him.
They approached their creature in silence and began to groom him according to Kettleburn's instructions. Severus tried to collect himself. He had such a simple plan, but then James had to go and be--well, himself--and it flustered him. And it bothered him that it flustered him, and that
unsett--"Oh, stop it," he told himself testily.
"Stop what?" James asked lightly. Severus's jaw slackened. He'd spoken aloud. This really had him on edge. Resolutely he told himself to just focus on the task at hand. James was a means to an end--his introduction through Lucius depended on getting James to co-operate. And James might enjoy it, he reminded himself. It helped. But he still couldn't think how to begin. Luckily, James opened for him.
"I thought you were still angry with me," he said. How did James do that? There was no accusation, no remorse, nothing to argue with. They led their horse across the paddock, as far away from the others as possible. It flexed its wings experimentally, but seemed content to be walked about the corral.
"I am," Severus said. Damn. He couldn't even lie. This was bad. He had to steer the conversation away from that. Or, could he use it? "You have that effect on me, James," he said with a self-deprecating humour. "Do you really think that sex and emotions are that intertwined?"
"Do you really think they're completely separate?" James countered calmly. They had reached a spot near the fence where a few trees offered a little shade. The leaf patterns fell in dappled shadows over James's unruly hair, tanning his skin and highlighting the contours beneath his robes. Severus pushed his observations aside.
"Yes. I know it." This could work, he thought, a plan forming.
"But they don't have to be," James said slowly. "What are you afraid of, Sev?"
"I'm not afraid," Severus said smoothly, noting absently that now that they were talking more freely, he could lie again. Right to James's face. Even looking in the chocolate brown eyes. 'Those eyes could do with a challenge,' he thought, so he offered one. "I wonder what frightens you, though. Care to try a little experiment?"
James looked away for a moment. Across the paddock, pairs of Gryffindors and Slytherins were focused on their tasks. Peter had retrieved his gloves and was paired with a Slytherin girl. They were struggling to control the Aethonan, who was trying to take them for an unscheduled flight. James smiled despite his misgivings about the conversation. Everyone was distracted enough not to notice their serious conversation, there in the shade of the trees. "What do you want, Sev?"
Severus shook his head. "I need to ask you some questions first. From our last argument, I got the impression you'd never--been with anyone else?"
"Hey, I'm a pretty hot commodity these days," James protested with forced humour, preening his lovely chest. "I mean, I do have a fan club. They come to all the Quidditch matches."
Severus snorted. "James, your 'fan club' consists of four Hufflepuff first-years who practically go to pieces over a new shade of lipstick. They swoon at pictures of Shawn Cassidy and Davey Jones, for chrissakes."
James grinned. "I didn't think you even knew who they were."
"I'm not entirely unaware of things like music, bitch." Severus rolled his eyes good-naturedly, but then returned to business. "Now answer the bloody question, will you? Have you slept with anyone else yet?"
The silence was broken only by the winged horse grazing, whuffling as it chewed. For long moments, James considered his answer, and the intensity of Snape's black eyes boring into him. "No," he said at last, his voice catching in his throat.
"Not even that Edgecombe girl you wanted to take out before?"
"No--I broke off with her after...you...we...."
"Oh, for God's sake," Snape spat, his frustration overpowering his need to be prudent. "You are so bloody naïve, James, do you know that?"
James smiled sweetly, aware of how close they stood, how arousing he could be when he wanted to play the coquette. "And you are so cute when you're angry, Sev."
Severus forced himself to breathe deeply a few times before speaking again, lust and anger combining dangerously. He closed the little gap between them, feeling James's stomach brush his own as they breathed. "If we weren't in class...."
"See? How can you say you don't feel anything? That's why I broke things off with Nan Edgecombe. You just...I just want you, Sev. What's wrong with that?"
"I want you to understand, James. It's not about love. It's about desire. I want you to know what it's like--to feel that burning because of circumstance, not your heart." He fought for self-control, but against his best intentions, almost against his will, he grabbed James's arm at the wrist, painfully forcing the boy to look at him without illusions. "Hearts lie, James. Don't you know that?" He shook James's wrist in blind fury, once, and then let go, as if remembering himself. He looked back furtively at the clusters of students, checking to see whether anyone noticed. James
said nothing. Severus flicked his eyes up to James, leaning against the fence with the Aethonan's tether still in his other hand. But he couldn't meet James's eyes for some reason.
Watching him, James saw something he'd never thought he'd see in Severus. In all the arguments they'd ever had about his whoring, Severus had never been the least bit ashamed. But for the act of a simple grab at the wrist, Severus looked remorseful and bitter and...it occurred to James that they never talked about their families, their pasts, or anything outside the little world of Hogwarts.
"Who hurt you, Sev?" James asked for the first time.
"Never mind," Snape insisted brusquely. He changed the topic with some force. "Time for an example, Potter. Yes or no: are you attracted to Lucius Malfoy?"
"Lucius Malfoy?" James repeated, frowning. "I thought this was about us."
"It is. Yes or no, James."
"Well...yeah, I'd be a fool not to be, right?"
"Good." Severus sighed, as if he had just tutored James through a difficult logic problem. "So...you can feel attracted to him, but still claim to want me?"
"I do want you," James said, objecting to Snape's semantics. He reached out tenderly, but Snape brushed him aside, all business.
"Right, that's my point," Snape went on quickly. "Your desire has nothing to do with your feelings, James. It's physical, not emotional. You kissed him, right?"
"No," James said, blushing.
"Before I came in?"
"No, we didn't--I mean, there wasn't time...." James trailed off.
"But you were going to do, just didn't have time?" Snape concluded snidely.
"Yeah, probably," James said.
"Well then, Potter, did you want to kiss him because you lust after him, or because you thought I'd get jealous, or because you wanted to see if it would change how you felt?"
"All three, I guess," James said with a shrug. "Sev, where are we going with this?"
"I want you to see how far you can go without getting emotionally involved. I want you to understand--when I'm with a client, it's different than being with--someone who's not," he mumbled, losing the momentum of his argument for lack of a good term.
"You mean, clients aren't lovers?" James said, ducking his head down to meet Severus's downcast eyes.
"No, they're not," Severus said too vehemently. If only James hadn't chosen that word.
"But I am?" James pressed, asking with his eyes, his face, the tension in his frame. Gods, he was so beautiful.
"Well, you're certainly not a paying customer," Severus hedged. James was so close, he could smell his hair. He wanted to devour that mouth, feel the scrape of James's teeth against his tongue, taste the lingering flavours of James's lips on his own....but there were too many others around.
"Severus? Do you think you might love me?" James asked quietly. "Does that frighten you?"
"This--isn't about me," Severus bit out. "It's about whether you can bring yourself to have a meaningless fuck just for the sake of proving it's possible."
"I don't think that's what it's about," James said gently. "But if it will make you feel better, we can call it that. So you want me to fuck Lucius Malfoy?"
Severus jumped. Could James see how the simple question made him feel so hot? The thought of watching, listening to James cry out and talk dirty and move under Lucius's long hands....okay, so maybe it wasn't all about the Death Eaters, he admitted to himself grudgingly. Maybe this idea had some intrinsic merit, after all. "Clever, clever James," he purred, caressing the boy's hand with a single finger. "Was it that obvious?"
"Yeah," James said with an assessing purse of his lips. "Well, he's certainly attractive, in that aloof, marble statue, haughty way of his." He pushed off from the fence to indicate that they should return with the others.
"He likes you, too, Potter," Snape said teasingly. They both laughed, and if it was a bit forced, neither said anything about it.
"Let me think about this?" James asked earnestly, before they rejoined the others.
"Of course," Severus said, trying not to look too disappointed. They finished the lesson with their accustomed pretence of antipathy.
****
A day or two later, they were writing an in-class essay in Runes. Severus had just started a fresh roll of parchment, but before he could use it for himself, words appeared on it in James's handwriting.
New transfiguration trick. Just write on your parchment and it will appear on mine. I have a few questions.
Severus looked up and saw James a few desks over. He was watching for the other boy's reaction and smiled. He pointed at his parchment, then hunched over it again, and wrote. The words appeared on Snape's page.
When is his next visit?
Snape chanced a look at Professor Hilderun. She was busily grading papers in the front, paying no attention and taking the room's silence for diligent studying. He dipped his quill in ink and wrote his answer.
He'll be here to stay the week-end in a week. Last time he was here they went to London.
What's the deal about that, anyway?
He's marrying her, git. Generally women are required if sons are the object.
Snape saw James roll his eyes before scratching a new sentence. Obviously. But why go to London?
Snape paused before scratching: Well, Dumbledore could hardly approve of them being together here, could he? But her parents gave Lucius permission to escort her off campus; written permission to the old man, so what can he do about it?
Anyway, that's not what I wanted to ask about. How's this going to work?
Ignoring the little thrill he felt at that phrase, Snape responded cautiously, So you'll do it?
I didn't say that yet; if it's going to happen, though, how would it go, exactly?
You want a script? I don't have time for this--I have to finish my essay.
Fine. Meet me in the 6th floor bathroom after dinner.
Snape looked up and nodded, crumpled the parchment into his bag, and fetched a fresh piece. He had ten minutes to finish writing about the similarities between aboriginal throwing sticks and Punjabi throwing bones.
After dinner, Snape shook off the Slytherins who wanted to go to the library and made his way to the ancient bathroom. Potter came in a few minutes later, and immediately crossed the room, lust sparking clearly in his eyes. He crashed into Snape and the momentum carried them both into the wall. James pinned him there, kissing him deeply, for what felt like a long time.
When they came up for air, Snape panted, "What was that for?"
The boy shrugged. "Just thought it needed saying." He backed off and allowed Snape some room to stand, but not enough that he could get away. "So, can I ask my questions now?"
Snape wanted to snarl that they should finish what James started first, but knew better than to be surly at this juncture. At least Potter was entertaining the idea. It was a definite improvement. "Go ahead," he said, trying to sound nonplussed by the passionate greeting.
"Well, how would it work?"
"How do you want it to work?"
"Are you setting this up as a blind date? Is he going to take me dancing first? Come on, Severus, you know what I mean. What's your--I don't believe I'm asking this--your standard procedure?"
"On week-ends when he stays here, he and Narcissa usually spend most of the evening in the common room or elsewhere on the grounds. She goes to bed around midnight; then he goes to his private room on the second floor."
"And you're already there?"
"Usually. Probably the best way to proceed for you, anyway. I guess you know he's a little worried about this getting out."
"Well, I can imagine. I mean, my Dad--he's not the most understanding and forgiving wizard at the Ministry. He could pretty much ruin the Malfoy fortunes if he wanted to do."
"So, discretion is something you've always practised, I know," Snape said, a sarcasm edging into his voice despite his sincerity.
"I didn't mean--"
"I know what you meant, Potter. Anyway, yeah, it's easy enough to get to his rooms. No one's looking up there at that time of night. Just avoid Filch and Mrs Norris, that's all."
"Will you be there?"
Snape hesitated. It was what he wanted, but would it be right for the first experiment? Or was it more fair to give Lucius a chance at James by himself first? He suddenly felt uncomfortable with either answer, so he passed the Quaffle back to James.
"Do you want me to be?"
"Yes--but I don't know. If you want me to try to have a torrid sexual experience, then you can't be, can you? It wouldn't be--I wouldn't be able to separate my feelings."
"What if I'm just...watching?" Severus asked with a slight tremble in his voice. It mirrored the tingle of excitement he felt under his robes as well.
James shuddered. "Kinky...but I don't know if I'm up to performing for you."
"Why don't you try it?" Severus suggested wickedly, but wished he had had the sense to shut up.
"What?" James asked breathlessly. "You want me to...."
"Dress rehearsal," Severus said, warming to the idea when he saw James's confused reaction--not disgusted, as he'd feared, but intrigued and aroused. "Use the counter," he took one limp hand and led his charge to the marble counter. "Lift up your robes, slut," he ordered, smiling kindly. James obliged, pulling them up to his waist very, very slowly. Inch after inch of flesh was revealed, until James's erection showed clearly, laid bare for his partner to see. Snape understood why James was late, now; he'd gone to the dorm to leave behind everything he didn't need. Everything. Swallowing hard, Snape patted the surface of the countertop. "Hop up," he ordered. James complied, hissing as his buttocks hit the cold marble. "Lean back against the mirror," Severus suggested, and James set his heels to either side, knees bent, legs spread, robes bunched behind him. It was a picture Severus loved to see. Only James could make such a ridiculous pose look natural and erotic. Not trusting himself to leave the Gryffindor alone, Severus sat on the covered toilet seat, an audience of one. "Now...just...touch yourself."
James blanched a bit. "M-masturbate?"
"Yes," Snape purred. "Don't you ever do that?"
James shook his head mournfully. "I--no," he admitted, confirming Severus's long suspicion.
"Well, there's a first time for everything, James," he said. "You're probably the only boy in the world who doesn't, but it's okay, I'll help you," he soothed, opting not to add his derisive thought: 'Figures.' "Start on your inner thighs. Just brush them with your fingers...pretend they're my hands, if it helps."
"Yes, it does," murmured James as he followed Severus's instructions.
"Good...now, do what you want...run your hands up your sides?" He fixed his gaze on Potter as the young man tried to relax into his fantasy. Watching James, he itched to touch him, but instead thought carefully about how James liked to be touched and teased. "Pinch your nipples for me...ooh, that's nice," he said, feeling the tug inside his shorts. The effect of James against the mirrored wall was more stunning than he'd anticipated.
And James was beginning to feel it, too. He licked his lips and his eyes closed to slits. He could see Severus sitting there watching, and he ached to be touched. "Want you," he whispered.
"Not this time," Severus said, denying James in a delicious sense of power. "You need to wet your fingers for me...and touch your tip..." he exhaled quickly when James's penis jumped at the moist contact. "Take your robes all the way off, will you? That's good. God, I wish you could see yourself, James. Now, slowly, suck the fingers of one hand...and rub yourself with the other....and switch...."
"Like this?" James asked, imagining his fingers were Severus inside him.
"Just like that, you're doing very well. Try stroking below...yeah, there." Both young men gasped when James found his own opening. He wet his fingers and returned, hunching forward a bit to slide one fingernail around the muscled wall. "Now, grip yourself low on the shaft," Severus continued. "Get your hands wet--use the come that's already there...massage yourself ... slowly ... up, and back...." He continued to instruct James, coaching in time to the strokes, fumbling to lift his own robes so he could put his hand inside and stroke in time as well. "Squeeze slightly as you
pull forward to the head...ohhh...that's it, James," he coaxed in a litany of encouragement, rather like a midwife during delivery. "Don't forget where your other hand is....you're close, James, so close....aah!" James came with a shudder and the sheer loveliness of him, mirrored and shining and elated, drove Severus past the brink as well. Their come spattered the floor between them.
"How was that?" James asked when he could speak again.
Shaking, Severus stood up and encircled James in his own bone-crushing, passionate, protective embrace. James's legs wrapped around him and they clung to one another as if nothing else existed. James began to shiver, not from cold as much as doubt. It took Severus a second to realize James was crying silently.
"You're so good at this," Severus whispered into James's ear. "You just need to trust yourself."
"I trust you," James said. "I don't know why--I shouldn't, Sev. But I do. I--want you there, okay?"
"So you'll try it?"
James almost sobbed into Severus's shoulder. "I'll try. But promise me--if I want to back out, it'll be okay?"
Severus nodded earnestly, beyond words. "We'll work out a code, all right? If you signal, I'll take over, will that work?"
"I can live with that, I guess. As long as you're there."
"I'll be there."
Spoilers: PoA? Possible GoF. Maybe even OoP, although this was originally begun 2 years before it came out.
(Originally chapter 5)
Summary: Lucius visits his fiancee at Hogwarts but gives in to temptation on the side.
Pairing: LM/SS/JP
Warnings: Slash. Boy Sluts. BDSM. Threesomes may occur. Major age differences, but I will not be specific. Suffice to say that in my interpretation, Lucius is at least 10 years older than the Marauders. For modesty's sake, we can assume everyone is at least well into puberty. If you are squicked by statutory sex, imagine the boys are above the age of consent. I won't argue.
Archive: Drop me a line, but be my guest.
Severus glanced across the Great Hall at the Gryffindors' long table. He watched as James and Sirius tossed Peter's notebook back and forth. Remus ended the teasing abruptly by tackling Sirius and giving Peter time to face off against James alone. Through it all, they were laughing together, even Peter.
Sighing, Severus shoved another forkful of hash browns into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. It was all very well to tell Lucius he could pimp James for him; that he owned him. But gazing across at the laughing, contented boy, surrounded by his friends, Severus wondered if he could actually fulfil his promise. Despite his heated words and smouldering resentment for his former partner, he wanted James to participate freely. A small voice inside assured him that if James would simply relax into the plan, have fun with it, he might begin to understand Severus's own motivations. If he could puncture James's self-image and introduce him to the lucrative business of rent boy, then perhaps...perhaps James would leave off his constant moralising. They could start again with a clearer definition of their relationship. James could learn the difference between sex and...Severus hardly dared say it--love. Was James his love, then? he asked himself as he choked down his tea. No. Not a lover, but...if he could understand this...then maybe.
The bell rang, announcing the end of breakfast. Scooping up his books and hat, Severus rose and marched in step between Avery and Kyle, filing into the hallways. He walked mechanically up the stairs to the Charms classroom, ignoring the inane conversation of the female classmates around him. Lately, all the girls in the house grated against his nerves. It wasn't that he had
anything against them, as a sex. They were fine, and he even accepted that inevitably many clients seemed to fade away after discovering one young woman or another who could be persuaded to duplicate Severus's services for less tangible forms of payment. He found it distantly ironic, that often the young men in question probably paid more for it in the end than he charged. Certainly, the girls' romantic expectations were a high price by themselves. Nevertheless, there were a number of them Severus would go so far as to call friends. But recently, he noticed their transparent scheming more, and seemed to be unable to ignore it. Perhaps it was the way they all cooed over Lucius's expensive gifts for Narcissa.
Jealous? he snarled at himself, digging out parchment and quill to take notes on Flitwick's lecture. Narcissa Tangle was the perfect choice for a man like Lucius. Besides, it was clear to Snape that his attention to her was merely a front to uphold the Malfoy legacy. She may be marrying a fortune, but Lucius would never be faithful to her. And if he could continue to satisfy the warlock's other appetites....
But that brought him back to James. What possessed him to promise Lucius he'd be willing? With another self-deprecating grimace, Severus allowed himself to answer. Damned Slytherin ambition.
"Mr Snape!" Flitwick singled him out at the end of the lecture. "Kindly demonstrate to the class the principle components of Charms which affect a person's ability to cast counter-spells."
He skimmed Flitwick's scratched notes on the board and drew his wand to comply, concentrating on the lesson. If he couldn't bring himself to force James, he'd have to convince him.
****
They took Care of Magical Creatures together after lunch. It was one of Severus's least favourite classes, tied with Divination and Transfiguration. On the other hand, it did give him an opportunity to talk to James.
Contriving to be paired with James was fairly easy. As they approached Professor Kettleburn's corral filled with Aethonan winged horses, Severus pointed his wand at Peter. Muttering a quiet charm, he banished the boy's dragonhide gloves right out of his belt and across the field.
Peter yelped in surprise as the gloves were snatched away. He ran after them, vacating his spot between James and Sirius. Sirius frowned back at Severus, as if the spell didn't fool him for a second. Snape hardly cared. It broke up the fearsome foursome, at any rate. Severus simply stepped into file near James, not right next to him, but close enough to bar anyone else from getting between. Predictably, Kettleburn simply paired them off by who stood next to whom. Child's play.
"James?" Sirius asked in a low tone before he joined Remus. Severus felt certain that if James gave the word, Sirius would fend Snape off wand and fist.
"It's all right, Sirius," James said appreciatively. Severus looked away studiously, hiding his real reaction. Had James been talking to Sirius about them? Did that mean he was upset, or angry, or relieved? The thought bothered him, and it unsettled him that it bothered him.
They approached their creature in silence and began to groom him according to Kettleburn's instructions. Severus tried to collect himself. He had such a simple plan, but then James had to go and be--well, himself--and it flustered him. And it bothered him that it flustered him, and that
unsett--"Oh, stop it," he told himself testily.
"Stop what?" James asked lightly. Severus's jaw slackened. He'd spoken aloud. This really had him on edge. Resolutely he told himself to just focus on the task at hand. James was a means to an end--his introduction through Lucius depended on getting James to co-operate. And James might enjoy it, he reminded himself. It helped. But he still couldn't think how to begin. Luckily, James opened for him.
"I thought you were still angry with me," he said. How did James do that? There was no accusation, no remorse, nothing to argue with. They led their horse across the paddock, as far away from the others as possible. It flexed its wings experimentally, but seemed content to be walked about the corral.
"I am," Severus said. Damn. He couldn't even lie. This was bad. He had to steer the conversation away from that. Or, could he use it? "You have that effect on me, James," he said with a self-deprecating humour. "Do you really think that sex and emotions are that intertwined?"
"Do you really think they're completely separate?" James countered calmly. They had reached a spot near the fence where a few trees offered a little shade. The leaf patterns fell in dappled shadows over James's unruly hair, tanning his skin and highlighting the contours beneath his robes. Severus pushed his observations aside.
"Yes. I know it." This could work, he thought, a plan forming.
"But they don't have to be," James said slowly. "What are you afraid of, Sev?"
"I'm not afraid," Severus said smoothly, noting absently that now that they were talking more freely, he could lie again. Right to James's face. Even looking in the chocolate brown eyes. 'Those eyes could do with a challenge,' he thought, so he offered one. "I wonder what frightens you, though. Care to try a little experiment?"
James looked away for a moment. Across the paddock, pairs of Gryffindors and Slytherins were focused on their tasks. Peter had retrieved his gloves and was paired with a Slytherin girl. They were struggling to control the Aethonan, who was trying to take them for an unscheduled flight. James smiled despite his misgivings about the conversation. Everyone was distracted enough not to notice their serious conversation, there in the shade of the trees. "What do you want, Sev?"
Severus shook his head. "I need to ask you some questions first. From our last argument, I got the impression you'd never--been with anyone else?"
"Hey, I'm a pretty hot commodity these days," James protested with forced humour, preening his lovely chest. "I mean, I do have a fan club. They come to all the Quidditch matches."
Severus snorted. "James, your 'fan club' consists of four Hufflepuff first-years who practically go to pieces over a new shade of lipstick. They swoon at pictures of Shawn Cassidy and Davey Jones, for chrissakes."
James grinned. "I didn't think you even knew who they were."
"I'm not entirely unaware of things like music, bitch." Severus rolled his eyes good-naturedly, but then returned to business. "Now answer the bloody question, will you? Have you slept with anyone else yet?"
The silence was broken only by the winged horse grazing, whuffling as it chewed. For long moments, James considered his answer, and the intensity of Snape's black eyes boring into him. "No," he said at last, his voice catching in his throat.
"Not even that Edgecombe girl you wanted to take out before?"
"No--I broke off with her after...you...we...."
"Oh, for God's sake," Snape spat, his frustration overpowering his need to be prudent. "You are so bloody naïve, James, do you know that?"
James smiled sweetly, aware of how close they stood, how arousing he could be when he wanted to play the coquette. "And you are so cute when you're angry, Sev."
Severus forced himself to breathe deeply a few times before speaking again, lust and anger combining dangerously. He closed the little gap between them, feeling James's stomach brush his own as they breathed. "If we weren't in class...."
"See? How can you say you don't feel anything? That's why I broke things off with Nan Edgecombe. You just...I just want you, Sev. What's wrong with that?"
"I want you to understand, James. It's not about love. It's about desire. I want you to know what it's like--to feel that burning because of circumstance, not your heart." He fought for self-control, but against his best intentions, almost against his will, he grabbed James's arm at the wrist, painfully forcing the boy to look at him without illusions. "Hearts lie, James. Don't you know that?" He shook James's wrist in blind fury, once, and then let go, as if remembering himself. He looked back furtively at the clusters of students, checking to see whether anyone noticed. James
said nothing. Severus flicked his eyes up to James, leaning against the fence with the Aethonan's tether still in his other hand. But he couldn't meet James's eyes for some reason.
Watching him, James saw something he'd never thought he'd see in Severus. In all the arguments they'd ever had about his whoring, Severus had never been the least bit ashamed. But for the act of a simple grab at the wrist, Severus looked remorseful and bitter and...it occurred to James that they never talked about their families, their pasts, or anything outside the little world of Hogwarts.
"Who hurt you, Sev?" James asked for the first time.
"Never mind," Snape insisted brusquely. He changed the topic with some force. "Time for an example, Potter. Yes or no: are you attracted to Lucius Malfoy?"
"Lucius Malfoy?" James repeated, frowning. "I thought this was about us."
"It is. Yes or no, James."
"Well...yeah, I'd be a fool not to be, right?"
"Good." Severus sighed, as if he had just tutored James through a difficult logic problem. "So...you can feel attracted to him, but still claim to want me?"
"I do want you," James said, objecting to Snape's semantics. He reached out tenderly, but Snape brushed him aside, all business.
"Right, that's my point," Snape went on quickly. "Your desire has nothing to do with your feelings, James. It's physical, not emotional. You kissed him, right?"
"No," James said, blushing.
"Before I came in?"
"No, we didn't--I mean, there wasn't time...." James trailed off.
"But you were going to do, just didn't have time?" Snape concluded snidely.
"Yeah, probably," James said.
"Well then, Potter, did you want to kiss him because you lust after him, or because you thought I'd get jealous, or because you wanted to see if it would change how you felt?"
"All three, I guess," James said with a shrug. "Sev, where are we going with this?"
"I want you to see how far you can go without getting emotionally involved. I want you to understand--when I'm with a client, it's different than being with--someone who's not," he mumbled, losing the momentum of his argument for lack of a good term.
"You mean, clients aren't lovers?" James said, ducking his head down to meet Severus's downcast eyes.
"No, they're not," Severus said too vehemently. If only James hadn't chosen that word.
"But I am?" James pressed, asking with his eyes, his face, the tension in his frame. Gods, he was so beautiful.
"Well, you're certainly not a paying customer," Severus hedged. James was so close, he could smell his hair. He wanted to devour that mouth, feel the scrape of James's teeth against his tongue, taste the lingering flavours of James's lips on his own....but there were too many others around.
"Severus? Do you think you might love me?" James asked quietly. "Does that frighten you?"
"This--isn't about me," Severus bit out. "It's about whether you can bring yourself to have a meaningless fuck just for the sake of proving it's possible."
"I don't think that's what it's about," James said gently. "But if it will make you feel better, we can call it that. So you want me to fuck Lucius Malfoy?"
Severus jumped. Could James see how the simple question made him feel so hot? The thought of watching, listening to James cry out and talk dirty and move under Lucius's long hands....okay, so maybe it wasn't all about the Death Eaters, he admitted to himself grudgingly. Maybe this idea had some intrinsic merit, after all. "Clever, clever James," he purred, caressing the boy's hand with a single finger. "Was it that obvious?"
"Yeah," James said with an assessing purse of his lips. "Well, he's certainly attractive, in that aloof, marble statue, haughty way of his." He pushed off from the fence to indicate that they should return with the others.
"He likes you, too, Potter," Snape said teasingly. They both laughed, and if it was a bit forced, neither said anything about it.
"Let me think about this?" James asked earnestly, before they rejoined the others.
"Of course," Severus said, trying not to look too disappointed. They finished the lesson with their accustomed pretence of antipathy.
****
A day or two later, they were writing an in-class essay in Runes. Severus had just started a fresh roll of parchment, but before he could use it for himself, words appeared on it in James's handwriting.
New transfiguration trick. Just write on your parchment and it will appear on mine. I have a few questions.
Severus looked up and saw James a few desks over. He was watching for the other boy's reaction and smiled. He pointed at his parchment, then hunched over it again, and wrote. The words appeared on Snape's page.
When is his next visit?
Snape chanced a look at Professor Hilderun. She was busily grading papers in the front, paying no attention and taking the room's silence for diligent studying. He dipped his quill in ink and wrote his answer.
He'll be here to stay the week-end in a week. Last time he was here they went to London.
What's the deal about that, anyway?
He's marrying her, git. Generally women are required if sons are the object.
Snape saw James roll his eyes before scratching a new sentence. Obviously. But why go to London?
Snape paused before scratching: Well, Dumbledore could hardly approve of them being together here, could he? But her parents gave Lucius permission to escort her off campus; written permission to the old man, so what can he do about it?
Anyway, that's not what I wanted to ask about. How's this going to work?
Ignoring the little thrill he felt at that phrase, Snape responded cautiously, So you'll do it?
I didn't say that yet; if it's going to happen, though, how would it go, exactly?
You want a script? I don't have time for this--I have to finish my essay.
Fine. Meet me in the 6th floor bathroom after dinner.
Snape looked up and nodded, crumpled the parchment into his bag, and fetched a fresh piece. He had ten minutes to finish writing about the similarities between aboriginal throwing sticks and Punjabi throwing bones.
After dinner, Snape shook off the Slytherins who wanted to go to the library and made his way to the ancient bathroom. Potter came in a few minutes later, and immediately crossed the room, lust sparking clearly in his eyes. He crashed into Snape and the momentum carried them both into the wall. James pinned him there, kissing him deeply, for what felt like a long time.
When they came up for air, Snape panted, "What was that for?"
The boy shrugged. "Just thought it needed saying." He backed off and allowed Snape some room to stand, but not enough that he could get away. "So, can I ask my questions now?"
Snape wanted to snarl that they should finish what James started first, but knew better than to be surly at this juncture. At least Potter was entertaining the idea. It was a definite improvement. "Go ahead," he said, trying to sound nonplussed by the passionate greeting.
"Well, how would it work?"
"How do you want it to work?"
"Are you setting this up as a blind date? Is he going to take me dancing first? Come on, Severus, you know what I mean. What's your--I don't believe I'm asking this--your standard procedure?"
"On week-ends when he stays here, he and Narcissa usually spend most of the evening in the common room or elsewhere on the grounds. She goes to bed around midnight; then he goes to his private room on the second floor."
"And you're already there?"
"Usually. Probably the best way to proceed for you, anyway. I guess you know he's a little worried about this getting out."
"Well, I can imagine. I mean, my Dad--he's not the most understanding and forgiving wizard at the Ministry. He could pretty much ruin the Malfoy fortunes if he wanted to do."
"So, discretion is something you've always practised, I know," Snape said, a sarcasm edging into his voice despite his sincerity.
"I didn't mean--"
"I know what you meant, Potter. Anyway, yeah, it's easy enough to get to his rooms. No one's looking up there at that time of night. Just avoid Filch and Mrs Norris, that's all."
"Will you be there?"
Snape hesitated. It was what he wanted, but would it be right for the first experiment? Or was it more fair to give Lucius a chance at James by himself first? He suddenly felt uncomfortable with either answer, so he passed the Quaffle back to James.
"Do you want me to be?"
"Yes--but I don't know. If you want me to try to have a torrid sexual experience, then you can't be, can you? It wouldn't be--I wouldn't be able to separate my feelings."
"What if I'm just...watching?" Severus asked with a slight tremble in his voice. It mirrored the tingle of excitement he felt under his robes as well.
James shuddered. "Kinky...but I don't know if I'm up to performing for you."
"Why don't you try it?" Severus suggested wickedly, but wished he had had the sense to shut up.
"What?" James asked breathlessly. "You want me to...."
"Dress rehearsal," Severus said, warming to the idea when he saw James's confused reaction--not disgusted, as he'd feared, but intrigued and aroused. "Use the counter," he took one limp hand and led his charge to the marble counter. "Lift up your robes, slut," he ordered, smiling kindly. James obliged, pulling them up to his waist very, very slowly. Inch after inch of flesh was revealed, until James's erection showed clearly, laid bare for his partner to see. Snape understood why James was late, now; he'd gone to the dorm to leave behind everything he didn't need. Everything. Swallowing hard, Snape patted the surface of the countertop. "Hop up," he ordered. James complied, hissing as his buttocks hit the cold marble. "Lean back against the mirror," Severus suggested, and James set his heels to either side, knees bent, legs spread, robes bunched behind him. It was a picture Severus loved to see. Only James could make such a ridiculous pose look natural and erotic. Not trusting himself to leave the Gryffindor alone, Severus sat on the covered toilet seat, an audience of one. "Now...just...touch yourself."
James blanched a bit. "M-masturbate?"
"Yes," Snape purred. "Don't you ever do that?"
James shook his head mournfully. "I--no," he admitted, confirming Severus's long suspicion.
"Well, there's a first time for everything, James," he said. "You're probably the only boy in the world who doesn't, but it's okay, I'll help you," he soothed, opting not to add his derisive thought: 'Figures.' "Start on your inner thighs. Just brush them with your fingers...pretend they're my hands, if it helps."
"Yes, it does," murmured James as he followed Severus's instructions.
"Good...now, do what you want...run your hands up your sides?" He fixed his gaze on Potter as the young man tried to relax into his fantasy. Watching James, he itched to touch him, but instead thought carefully about how James liked to be touched and teased. "Pinch your nipples for me...ooh, that's nice," he said, feeling the tug inside his shorts. The effect of James against the mirrored wall was more stunning than he'd anticipated.
And James was beginning to feel it, too. He licked his lips and his eyes closed to slits. He could see Severus sitting there watching, and he ached to be touched. "Want you," he whispered.
"Not this time," Severus said, denying James in a delicious sense of power. "You need to wet your fingers for me...and touch your tip..." he exhaled quickly when James's penis jumped at the moist contact. "Take your robes all the way off, will you? That's good. God, I wish you could see yourself, James. Now, slowly, suck the fingers of one hand...and rub yourself with the other....and switch...."
"Like this?" James asked, imagining his fingers were Severus inside him.
"Just like that, you're doing very well. Try stroking below...yeah, there." Both young men gasped when James found his own opening. He wet his fingers and returned, hunching forward a bit to slide one fingernail around the muscled wall. "Now, grip yourself low on the shaft," Severus continued. "Get your hands wet--use the come that's already there...massage yourself ... slowly ... up, and back...." He continued to instruct James, coaching in time to the strokes, fumbling to lift his own robes so he could put his hand inside and stroke in time as well. "Squeeze slightly as you
pull forward to the head...ohhh...that's it, James," he coaxed in a litany of encouragement, rather like a midwife during delivery. "Don't forget where your other hand is....you're close, James, so close....aah!" James came with a shudder and the sheer loveliness of him, mirrored and shining and elated, drove Severus past the brink as well. Their come spattered the floor between them.
"How was that?" James asked when he could speak again.
Shaking, Severus stood up and encircled James in his own bone-crushing, passionate, protective embrace. James's legs wrapped around him and they clung to one another as if nothing else existed. James began to shiver, not from cold as much as doubt. It took Severus a second to realize James was crying silently.
"You're so good at this," Severus whispered into James's ear. "You just need to trust yourself."
"I trust you," James said. "I don't know why--I shouldn't, Sev. But I do. I--want you there, okay?"
"So you'll try it?"
James almost sobbed into Severus's shoulder. "I'll try. But promise me--if I want to back out, it'll be okay?"
Severus nodded earnestly, beyond words. "We'll work out a code, all right? If you signal, I'll take over, will that work?"
"I can live with that, I guess. As long as you're there."
"I'll be there."
