this particular member has a history and a habit of having a conversation with some authority in which she's looking for permission to act, but the authority figure thinks she's just venting, and then she takes their sympathetic nod for the confirmation that she's looking for so she can "speak to" the person she feels is creating friction.

Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking, reading through this. I don't think it's the director that has an issue with your attitude at all - I think it's the "ASM".